Personally, I would have killed myself laughing if Martin Jol had chinned you. Two of your players bumped into each other. Big wow. Don't you teach your players to play to the whistle, or did you just think the ref would recognise your divine right to whatever decision you want, whenever you want?

FOR FUCK'S SAKE: QUIT WHINING YOU LANKY FROGGY TWAT!

Sorry – bit carried away there.

Look Ars, if it really upsets you, then no-one is stopping you leaving the UK. Really.

Two huge Riley mistakes turned the game, which saw more elbows flying than the first day of the Next January sales. But it seemed that anyone in the famed white (? – Ed) of West Ham was absolved of any wrongdoing, while those in red, saw yellow.

Dean Ashton's 40th minute right armed "challenge" on Boro's Mark Schwarzer looks to have ended the keeper's season.Ashton escaped any punishment for the elbow and subsequent cheekbone fracture sustained by Schwarzer, which instead allowed him to get booked mid way through the second half for a later tackle on his stand-in, Brad Jones.

But questions have to be asked about Marlon "Peanuthead" Harewood's elbow-first "challenge" on Gareth Southgate and how he escaped ANY punishment for it. He then went on the score the winner (beautifully finished, by the way) but to be honest, he wouldn't have been able to have scored from the changing room, now would he?

Between these two incidents, Riley showed his true colours by booking Boro's Rochemback for holding off midget Reo-Coker – "with his elbow".

So once again, a potentially wonderful game of football, the dreams of tens of thousands of fans and a route into Europe is decided by the errors of an official. I wonder if he's going to tell us where he went wrong? I doubt it.

Gotta love football, ain'tcha???

Look – I’m not saying that Diouf should be spitting at fans and I’m certainly not condoning Cantona’s karate kick at Crystal Palace, but fans surely can’t have it their own way all the time, can they?

Examine the picture of William Gallas below. Check the fans in the background. The guy has just been sent off – adrenaline must be pumping – he’s angry – they’re stood just a few metres from him – taunting – shouting obscenities – insulting his family – maybe even his skin colour.

You can see how it might happen – perhaps a gesture is the least most of us would respond with. Footballers are human too. Should they really have to put up with that abuse?

And now, Paddy Kenny, goalkeeper of Championship promotion favourites, Sheffield United is to be investigated by police for an alleged gesture at Hell City [sic] fans when The Blades got their last minute winner on Saturday. The same 5,000 fans who had been calling him a “fat bastard” all match. Again – I’m not saying he was right to do it (if he did), but you can see why he might…

Footballers are in a position of responsibility – idolised by many, especially the young - but is it right for them to be singled out for doing (once) the same thing that thousands of fans have been doing to them all match?

I'm talking (of course) of Robben, van Persie, van Nistelrooy and (in a Spanish departure for SS.co.uk), Mark van Bommel. Yes, between them they made valuable contributions to their respective teams, but – jeez! – are Holland going to take over where Savo Milosevic and his Yugoslav friends left off?

Once again, this is a bizarre case of decent players throwing themselves around and cheating. These are great players (apart from van Nistelrooy, who just looks like a horse) (although not in the shower, I hear) - this is a part of their game that we don't need to see.

She canna take it, Captain…

There were dives, notably by Moritz Volz of Fulham (Artistic Impression 6/10), although to be fair had he not dived so artistically when fouled by Terry, the penalty would probably have been given. Why is it that a lot of players these days feel the necessity to add reverse pikes, somersaults and triple salchows when merely touched by an opponent? After all, there are no judges on the sidelines offering marks for artistic impression!
Then there was the comedy moment of the match when Drogba clearly used his hand when going on to score.
Everyone watching on TV could clearly see it. What is strange is that the Assistant Referee Paul Norman, who was standing maybe 50 metres away, also saw it… or did he?
In the interviews after the match, Mike Dean apparently "cleared up the confusion" by revealing he had been buzzed by Norman through the electronic tagging devices by which Premiership officials are linked up (this is interesting in itself!).
He said: "I went to speak to him voluntarily. It was not pressure from the Fulham players. Paul was convinced it was handball." Convinced? How could he be when his view was obscured by both defender and Drogba? That aside, the decision was correct and the referee was vindicated. What I found poor was Drogba's decision to complain, knowing full well that he had handled the ball, or maybe his view was obscured by his hairband?

Chelsea will face another FA inquiry after their players angrily surrounded the referee, Mike Dean, and his linesman regarding the decision to disallow Drogba's equaliser for handball (General Ref Hassling 7/10 for 7 Chelsea players and 9/10 for Drogba). It is obvious that Frank Lampard is incredulous about the decision, but what right has Drogba in pointing at the referee? Maybe he was telling Dean that he couldn't have seen him use his hand and, therefore, the goal should stand.

Whinging Jose Mourinho claimed "It's a handball so it's not a goal and the decision is correct. What is not correct is the referee didn't see and allows the goal, the linesman didn't see but after pressure by Fulham they changed their decision."
Mourinho is still under the impression there are 2 sets of rules: one for Chelsea and the other for everyone else. This is just sour grapes.
There was an interesting comment from Referee Chief, Keith Hackett, who backed Dean and dismissed reports he had been pressured into changing his mind. He said "Pressure is when you've got a soldier walking down a street in Iraq likely to be killed at any moment by a bomb or a bullet – we are talking about a game of football here."
Wise words indeed, although the way Wright-Phillips went down in the Newcastle match (discussed below), you could be forgiven to believe there was a soldier in the crowd who shot him!Finally, the William Gallas incident.  The French defender was red-carded for horrifically stamping on the ankle of Heidar Helgusson, however, his petty behaviour in ripping off his gloves and throwing them to the floor in a clear sign of dissent and then goading the Fulham fans as he left the pitch with a bizarre thumbs-down gesture will lead to some form of punishment. What was he thinking, but more importantly what do the Fulham fans mean with their gestures? (answers on a post to strikersniper.co.uk!!)

Well, another weekend is upon us, a chance for divers to impress us, referees to baffle us but most of all, footballers to entertain us.

But Drogba, as ever, was the master. So it’s him we concentrate on.

Frequency 6/10: Didier appeared to have been drinking heavily before the game. He was utterly legless from early on and mysteriously tripped over things that weren’t there on regular occasions.
Artistic Impression 8/10: Drogba’s 74th minute dive when being challenged by… er… no-one reminded us that in his home continent of Africa, landmines are a daily danger for innocent victims. His left foot would have been blown off if there had really been a landmine on the pitch at Stamford Bridge. Which of course, there wasn’t.
Effect 2/10: A couple of worthless freekicks. Big wow. One of his dives was even totally ignored – how dare you, Mr Bennett?
General Ref Hassling 5/10: Never one to keep his opinions to himself, Drogba didn’t keep his opinions to himself during the game. His high point was being booked for protesting about Joe Cole being apparently hit by a laser beam and only getting a free kick, which Drogba saw from 50 metres away despite facing the other way, but still knew better than anyone else. Incidentally, investigators of the JFK assassination in Dallas in 1963 have been approached by DD, as he “saw exactly what happened”.
Niggle Factor 4/10: A poor showing from one of the most annoying players in the English game. Plenty whining, but precious little niggle – booted the ball away petulantly after being caught offside (again!) but got away with it because… er… hmm. Not sure.

Total 50 %
We expect better (or worse) from DD, but he takes his rightful place at the top of our Diveometer League:

1. Didier Drogba (CHE) 50%
2. No-one

And for clubs:

1. Chelsea 50%
2. No-one

Marks out of 10 will be awarded to a given player for each of the following categories for any given game:

1. Frequency of diving – how often did he do it?
2. Artistic Impression – was it good quality theatrical diving? How far was the nearest player when he did it? 3 miles?
3. Effect of diving – did he get the anyone booked? Did he win a penalty etc?
4. General ref hassling – did he get his opinion in when he really didn’t need to? How was his moaning? Physical abuse scores extra, sadly.
5. Niggle factor – how many of those “little things” did he do to annoy the opposition?

So that’s a mark out of 50, we’ll double it up to make a percentage and then stick it into a league table – one for players, one for teams. One note – the same player from any given team cannot be used twice in succession – i.e. it’s Drogba today, so another Chelsea player must be rated before Drogba can be used again. We don’t want to pick on anyone. Really.

Got it? Good.

“When the penalty went in, I was absolutely delighted”  he said.

Yes, Djibril, so you should be, cos you’ve been pants recently.
But that’s not the Gallowgate End’s fault, now is it?

Referee Mike Riley kinda lost it in this one. The midfield battle between Bowyer and Hamann was a particular feature with Riley inconsistent with his use of the yellow card – especially in the 78th minute when Hamann kicked out at Bowyer for the 94th time and Mr Riley reached for the card, but then apparently changed his mind at the last moment, instead changing the action of grabbing his yellow card into a subtle arse scratch.
Yes, Boumsong deserved his red – for the foul, but also for the dreadful miskick that let Freaka Crouch in on goal, but this match was all about Djibril Cisse.

Booked for his celebration (he lifted his shirt over his head), and remember:

Cisse then goaded the crowd at the Gallowgate end with some bizarre finger wiggling and excessive tongue usage – a kind of action only previously seen during an All-Black Haka. Also a yellow card offence, but Mike Riley declined to act. Why was that, Mike? 
So, Mike Riley gets our first refs thumbs down. You were rubbish.
And, Djibril Cisse gets our first players thumbs down. No need, mate – really.

Meanwhile at Fulham, Chelsea remind the ref that the handball law doesn’t apply to Didier Drogba. Mark Pembridge (far left) has seen it all before. Check his expression. He could write for us. If he wasn’t Welsh, obviously.