No Arsene, that would be the day you joined the Gooners and introduced your now infamous, lying "I 'aven't seen eet as I was looking ze uzzer way" comments and your rather physical style of football, perhaps characterised best by Patrick "Thug" Viera, (the Roy Keane of football). Oh, and your signing of Mr Reyes, the best diver since Didier Drogba.

Personally, I would have killed myself laughing if Martin Jol had chinned you. Two of your players bumped into each other. Big wow. Don't you teach your players to play to the whistle, or did you just think the ref would recognise your divine right to whatever decision you want, whenever you want?

FOR FUCK'S SAKE: QUIT WHINING YOU LANKY FROGGY TWAT!

Sorry – bit carried away there.

Look Ars, if it really upsets you, then no-one is stopping you leaving the UK. Really.

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What is it about Chelsea? Here at SS.co.uk we could easily have picked Wright-Phillips, Del Horno or Drogba to examine after this game. As it happens, we chose Drogba, but Del Horno’s first half dive resulted in a free kick from which Ricardo Carvalho should really have scored and Wright-Phillips 90th minute triple axel resulted in a wholly unjustified red card for Robbie Elliott. Joe Cole and Geremi were at it as well. Why? Chelsea are a good enough team to beat anyone without cheating (except maybe Fulham) (Oh, and Barcelona).

But Drogba, as ever, was the master. So it’s him we concentrate on.

Frequency 6/10: Didier appeared to have been drinking heavily before the game. He was utterly legless from early on and mysteriously tripped over things that weren’t there on regular occasions.
Artistic Impression 8/10: Drogba’s 74th minute dive when being challenged by… er… no-one reminded us that in his home continent of Africa, landmines are a daily danger for innocent victims. His left foot would have been blown off if there had really been a landmine on the pitch at Stamford Bridge. Which of course, there wasn’t.
Effect 2/10: A couple of worthless freekicks. Big wow. One of his dives was even totally ignored – how dare you, Mr Bennett?
General Ref Hassling 5/10: Never one to keep his opinions to himself, Drogba didn’t keep his opinions to himself during the game. His high point was being booked for protesting about Joe Cole being apparently hit by a laser beam and only getting a free kick, which Drogba saw from 50 metres away despite facing the other way, but still knew better than anyone else. Incidentally, investigators of the JFK assassination in Dallas in 1963 have been approached by DD, as he “saw exactly what happened”.
Niggle Factor 4/10: A poor showing from one of the most annoying players in the English game. Plenty whining, but precious little niggle – booted the ball away petulantly after being caught offside (again!) but got away with it because… er… hmm. Not sure.

Total 50 %
We expect better (or worse) from DD, but he takes his rightful place at the top of our Diveometer League:

  1. Didier Drogba (CHE) 50%
  2. No-one

And for clubs:

  1. Chelsea 50%
  2. No-one